Hey Friend,
This past week was a doozy in every way imaginable. The Full Moon really kicked things off for me and the only thing I felt the need to do was rest. I wanted to lay in my bed, the comfort of my pillows and comforter fill up the space around me and cushion all my worries. I've been on a journey of introspection for almost a year now. But every day I learn something new about myself and who I really am. When you're forced into a position of possession and hurt for so long you forget things. How much you love everything bagels, and the way the sun feels after 6, the feeling of standing up for yourself and saying how you really feel. I've been pouring myself into my art and letting my emotions come out of my hands. I can't explain it but I just felt so ready to let it out. The pain and the hurt; its permanent home on the canvas now. No longer in my mind or my heart. I'm on the path to understanding that my love and my kindness was taken for granted and I'm not the one to blame. I've blamed myself up until now. How could I? How could I let someone treat me that way, say those things to me? I have flashbacks sometimes of his forehead pushing against mine yelling at the top of his lungs. All I could do is survive inside myself until I was strong enough to leave.
I'm so glad I never gave up.
Remembering March is hard. It's a tough month with lots of bad memories and hurt. March 2023 was my rock bottom. The moment I knew I had leave him I was sitting at the anniversary dinner I had planned. I tried my best to look my nicest and be present for him. Hoping for kindness today out of all the days. I was wrong. He criticized my outfit, the way I did my makeup. He picked me apart like he always did. We sat at the restaurant and I watched him order a drink, I made a joke and said "Ha ha not too crazy tonight, right?" he said "Yeah, yeah".
I sipped my glass of wine as I watched him order vodka after vodka. I paid our bill, I made more money so it just made sense right? We drove home, him in the drivers seat. Him always in the driver's seat. I knew it was a bad idea as we scooted onto the expressway and his speed increased. I asked him to please slow down it was scaring me. We jumped onto the bridge, swaying lane to lane, me praying in my head to any God that would listen that he would slow down. He yelled at me about how worthless I was and how ugly I looked. Why would anyone want to be with me this long? I was an anxious spoiled brat and he hated me. As I'm listening to him I'm watching us get close to the right side of the bridge. He yanked the wheel and I hit my head against the window, crying instantly. Asking him to just calm down and get us home. I didn't want to die anymore. I didn't want to give up anymore. All of the fight that was left in me rose to the surface like a fresh bruise. I ran inside and locked myself in my bedroom to get away from him. Him making himself a drink, banging and shouting at the door. I sat on the bed and cried to myself. I prayed that I would find a way out. I knew I had to be as clear minded as I could to make that happen. I screamed that I deserved better and that someone who loved me would never treat me this way. He told me no one would ever love someone like me. I wept into my pillow until the salt burned my skin. Bean and I stayed in the bedroom by ourselves the rest of the night, her curling into me. Me knowing I'd do anything to save the both of us. I knew I had to get sober. I had to get sober & pull myself together, focus and leave. I'd play the game until I had to. And when the right moment arose I would know what to do. I just knew I would.
I'm grateful every single day that I decided to put alcohol on the shelf.
I'm grateful sobriety helped me survive. I'm grateful for every person who supported me along the way the last months I was in that house. Every kind word I received at that time really meant more than I'll ever be able to explain. I'm going to make sure that I share my story as much as I can because I deeply remember how lonely and isolated I felt. Even if it helps one person not feel so alone I did my part.
I've realized that a lot of my anger stems from my hurt. Understanding my anger isn't just anger. It's a secondary that comes with trauma and grief. How do I let this out without hurting myself or anyone else? I was driving home from work and saw a boxing club. I pulled into the parking lot spontaneously and walked in and asked for a tour. I signed up to take an intro class to see if I liked it and immediately after signed up to take more classes. Today will be my third week. It has changed my perception on how to handle my hurt and helps me feel the effects in my body. Becoming stronger with time helps me feel stronger in my mind as well. Punching that bag and letting all my aggression out in that room feels liberating. I'm starting to feel really alive again for the first time in a long time.
I'm walking into this new month with a new sense of self. I feel like a lot of the pieces that were still attached to me have fallen off and I'm ready to walk away with my head held even higher. I'm learning that grief will never leave me.
It's up to me to continue to understand how to hold my grief and greet her like an old friend.
Be kind to yourself today.
Xo,
Marcie
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