It's been a while. April was...a lot. Just like every other month of my life has been. I have been struggling finding the words to place here publicly. How much is too much? How do I put that down. I've been journaling privately trying to come up with ways to understand my feelings. Then I was reminded that the way people act is not my responsibility. Others emotions are not my responsibility. The People Pleaser still lives inside of me waiting for the right moment to help me second guess myself. She's bff with Imposter Syndrome. They're bitches. I have really been trying to understand my pain. It's cause. The root. I feel like I feel more and express more with my platonic relationships than I ever have romantically. There's something about sharing a friendship with someone that is so pure of heart and so real that it's heartbreaking when it's over. I try to remind myself that people can only meet you as far as they've met themselves. These levels vary from person to person. I myself have this raw sense of HERE I AM, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. I had been burned at the stake and nothing else was left but my raw emotion and my inner child. I forget sometimes how scary that can be to others when they are suffering tragedies all of their own. People cope in ways that feels familiar or easy for them. I can't control how people act or their intentions. All I can do is be a light and keep shining.
I turned over to look at the alarm clock; It was 7am and an hour before I had to get up for work. I grabbed my phone off the charger to mindlessly scroll IG. As I scrolled, I saw it. KMAC annual fashion show posts. Eager to see what the couture looked like this year I scrolled and scrolled. Until I REALLY saw it. That fake, performative, punchable face we all know and love. Brizzy. Plastered all over the accounts of people I looked up to. I was sick. My stomach instantly turned as I saw her again and again on my feed. GO AWAY. I thought to myself. IT'S 7 IN THE MORNING. And just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse, I saw my friends had liked the post. HOW TRIVIAL! HOW COULD YOU! Publicly supporting someone who so diligently weaseled their way into my life to then try to ruin me.
It was girl code, it went unsaid, I thought of them better and then I burst into tears. "I would never do that to them" I thought to myself as I shoved my legs into my sweatpants. Bean eagerly and happily waiting for me to take her for our morning walk. She had no clue, oh how I wished to be her. I shoved my feet in my shoes and the only thing I could think of was to call my mom. So I did. I explained to her how I felt, what happened and for her to tell me like it was because in the fog in my brain, I needed her clarity. She has and always will be a straight shooter. My mother is not the type to sugar coat anything to make you feel better. I knew if I was being irrational or overly emotional, I could look to her and have her calm me down. She agreed with my feelings and explained to me that she understood how I felt and that I wasn't being ridiculous. I felt like I had been tossed out with the trash by someone I loved endlessly and I couldn't say a damn word about it. It was dumb and I knew that. Everyone was over it, no one wanted to hear how I felt about this anymore. But I didn't care. I was mad. I was sad. My heart shattered into a million pieces as I realized the ideation and the trust I had in this person had changed dramatically.
People can only meet you as far as they've met themselves. I've done this song and dance a million times over. I become friends with someone, I give them my all, they think it's too much and then they pull away. Again and again.
It's happened to me my entire life. As I cried to my mother I asked her why do people do this to me? What is wrong with me?
She reminded me that the light I carry within myself is a healing light. Some people see that light and so desperately need it. I give it to them and then when their lantern burns bright, our friendship starts to fade. I've now learned that trying to hold onto things that are falling apart will not bring them back together. I choked back my tears as I told myself that begging someone to be in your life isn't fair to them or you. Nothing good comes of desperation, so I accepted my defeat and I curled back into my shell.
I isolated myself. No begging, no pleading, no more crying. I picked myself up and decided to focus on myself and the tasks at hand and got to work. I started working out every single day. Trying to feel something, focus on something rather than the feelings at hand.
As an only child I learned to isolate at a young age. I isolate when I'm sad, mad, confused, hurt. When things and my emotions get overwhelming and I don't understand where to put my feelings, I go in. So I put my head down and I focused on work. I focused on my goals, events and ideas. Just when I thought I was going to drown in admin work, a text from a friend came through. I sipped my second coffee of the day and I read:
"FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION: NON-COMPETES TO BE BANNED"
I wanted to jump up and down, burst into tears, punch something. IT'S OVER!
(Technically my non-compete I was forced to sign will be done before this ruling takes place but still, we celebrate.) The fact that Jess Harrison will NEVER be able to threaten another innocent person in my field, made me want to cry. I was grateful what she did to me happened to me because I know for a fact anyone else would've crumbled at her threats. Fortunately for me, she didn't know who she was fucking with. We aren't doctors, we're not inventing cures for cancer patients, we wax eyebrows. Stop acting like you invited the wheel and start worrying about your failing business practices. It's laughable that the only glue holding your failing business together will be disintegrated in 120 days from April 23rd.
I don't care what anyone says, I get a warm and fuzzy feeling just thinking about it.
I don't need to forgive anyone. & I don't need to forget. You did what you did and you should be held responsible. If you didn't want people to negatively talk about you and your actions, you shouldn't have tried to ruin someone's life. I was literally on the brink of a mental breakdown dealing with my on-going abusive relationship and all you did was add coals to the fire that I was starting to burn inside of me. And for that I can be grateful. Without the hatred and filth, I would've never been able to rise above and start a growing business in less than a year. Thank you for you mental health problems, they have truly been a blessing to me.
To Be Continued...
Comments